News

Does my Ass Look Big in These Jeans?

All falcons know that even attempting an answer to the question posed in the title of this article will get you into a semantic snakepit from which you may not easily recover. When these kind of questions pop up it is always best to either flat out lie or feign some sort of cerebral event.

In the news recently it has come to our attention that a fake surgeon in Miami has been engaging in butt enhancement surgery without the benefit of appropriate credentials, correct surgical supplies or common sense.

The women who have been inflicted with this bogus doc's treatments have discovered their butts have been augmented with a combination of cement, tire inflater and super glue.

Needless to say the results have been less than spectacular and their asses do look really big in just about any jeans!

Hooker for Hubby

Greater love hath no woman for her man, than the woman who gets hubby a hooker for his birthday!

Jenny Mollen the wife of actor Jason Biggs (American Pie) revealed in a recent Playboy article that she had treated her hubby to a hooker for his 33rd birthday.

How sweet! Jason, the wife and a hot hooker all blowing out the candles on his special day. According to Jenny the hooker blew more than the candles!

The Falcons team handbook, to date, has not been updated to cover the appropriateness of such behaviour. Perhaps this will provide food for thought at our next meeting.

Shrinkage is the Enemy

Barry Bonds can't catch a break. Not only is he on trial for perjury, his former mistress Kimberly Bell testified at that trial, that he suffered from shrinkage. Every since the Seinfield pool episode the term "shrinkage" has made grown men cringe.

Bell didn't stop at shrinkage, she indicated Bonds suffered from a whole lot of other ailments including impotence, hair loss and acne. She says he admitted that the cause of it all was steroid use.

Barry, it may be time to write a best seller. Even if you don't have any equipment left, at least you can have a bank account.

Sports Illustrated Hits Newstands

Good news for all Falcons, the 2011 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition has hit the newstands.

Charlie Sheen Top 5

sheendrunk Here are our top five Charlie Sheen moments as selected by the Falcons editorial staff.

JAN 14, 2011: CBS entertainment chief Nina Tassler tells TV critics in L.A. that the network has “a high level of concern” for the star. “This man is a father. He’s got children. He has a family. So obviously there’s concern on a personal level.”
WEEKEND OF JAN 7, 2011: Numerous Internet reports surface claiming that Sheen went on a bender in Las Vegas with porn stars and didn’t show up to work. His rep, Stan Rosenfield, laughed off the rumors in a statement: “Charlie Sheen arrived at work today and is there as I send this. Memo to Chicken Little: The sky remains in place.”
DECEMBER 2010: Twitter and other blogs are abuzz that Sheen has died in a snowboarding accident, prompting his ex Denise Richards to Tweet: “He is alive and on his way over to see his daughters. Thank u all for your concern.”
NOVEMBER 2010: Escort Capri Anderson - who was in the posh Plaza Hotel suite room Sheen trashed (while naked) in October 2010 - claims he grabbed her neck during the rampage. But Sheen’s attorney said her claims were “a blatant attempt to cash in on his celebrity.” As for Sheen’s wild Plaza Hotel night, he told celebrity news show “Extra:” “If a guy has one bad night, everybody goes insane and panics. I’m not panicking.”
NOVEMBER 2010: Sheen files for divorce from his third wife, Brooke Mueller (with whom he has two sons). Sheen had previously pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault in exchange for probation and rehab stemming from their ugly 2009 Christmas Day brawl in which he threatened to kill her.

Charlie has still not responded to requests from team representatives that he become an associate coach and team mentor

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